Hi-Yo Mortadella! Away!

   So, it seems a New Mexico meat plant has been given the o-kay to start slaughtering horses for meat. And the feds in the States will now assign inspectors to the plant. Not that horsemeat can be legally sold in the U.S, but there's apparently a strong overseas market for it. That would be Russia, China and Mexico.
   However. Even  though they've got the go-ahead, the operation might not last long. Back in 2006, Congress banned the slaughter of horses, saying federal inspectors (the USDA) couldn't spend money doing so. That expired in 2011, but there are 2 bills now in the house to do it again. As it is now, 130 thousand horses are shipped to Mexico and Canada annually for slaughter.
   It wasn't that long ago European regulators discovered horse meat was being sold as beef in Ireland, and the mislabelled meat was found in meatballs sold by Ikea.
   The reference to Mortadella is because it was supposedly at one time made from horsemeat. Which could be true.
   And if you're wondering if I'd try horse, the answer is a loud "Neigh".
   'Nuff said.

"Pot" Bellied Pig

   So, it seems in Washington State, a pig farmer has come up with a rather unique ingredient in the slop he feeds his swine. Most of us know about Kobe beef, and how the Waygu cattle are treated. They get massaged, get special feed, and get beer. Quite a bit of beer. But in this case, the pigs get marijuana. Yup! Pot! This, after the state legalized recreational use of weed. The little piggies get marijuana leftovers in their feed.
   And apparently, they get the munchies! It seems pigs fed with the "special" blend of feed pack on 20 or 30 pounds more than swine that just get the run of the mill slop. No one knows if the pigs get stoned or not, but my guess is, yeah they probably do. And the reason behind that reasoning is simple. People who've tried it say there's a 'kick' to the meat.
   And a butcher in the same state also feeds his pigs pot before turning them into prosciutto. Both say it's very popular with customers.
   And I've got the perfect side dish: "Hash" browned potato's.
   'Nuff said.

The Little Spacecraft That Could...Redux

   Voyager 1 is back in the news again. I blogged about this remarkable spacecraft way back on December 4, 2012 when it was poised to start leaving the solar system for interstellar space. Now, scientists say data they've been interpreting for the past few months shows the craft has entered a strange new region, 11 billion miles out.
   Measurements taken by the probe (yes, it's still sending usable data back 35 years after launch) suggest a dramatic drop in solar particles and a simultaneous big jump in high-energy galactic cosmic rays. What that means to non-rocket scientists like me is real rocket scientists figure Voyager will cross over into interstellar space, and leave the solar system, in a relatively short time. Something in the order of the next 2 years or so.
   And it's expected the craft will continue sending back information until it's plutonium power supply finally runs out. In about 2025, although at least one instrument will have to be shut off in 2020 due to the power drop. Not bad for 1977 technology!
   Voyager 1 is, by the way, the farthest man made object in space. It's twin, Voyager 2, is only 9 billion miles away from home.
   And it's the craft that took the so-called "family picture" of our solar system just before it's camera was shut off. And it was the image of Earth the late great Carl Sagan talked about in "The Pale Blue Dot". if you haven't seen it, do so. It's amazing!
   And for Voyager 1.....keep on trucking "Little Spacecraft That Could"!
   'Nuff said.

She Should Buy A Lottery Ticket

   Or maybe 2. Seems a woman in Saskatchewan was struck by lightning while driving to Regina. She says she saw a blinding flash, and smelled burning. Her trunk opened, the car lights flashed, but she wasn't hurt.
   And this was the 2nd time she'd been hit. It seems some 20 years ago, she was in a farmhouse that was struck. So, maybe she'd better get out and grab a fistful of Lotto Max or 649 tickets!
   Believe me, it's scary. I wasn't hit, but I had a very near miss a year ago. It happened after a line of storms had rolled over. I waited for the thunder, rain and wind to stop before I went out. In fact, the sky had started to clear. And just as I tossed the trash in the bin, I saw the most brilliant white flash of light I've ever seen, followed immediately by the loudest BANG I've ever heard. For some stupid reason I ducked, then high-tailed it into the house. Just in time to see a neighbor run OUT of his house, and look across the alley just feet from where I'd been.
   Needless to say, I rushed out and bought a lottery ticket, and needless to say, I didn't win. Not even a free play. I guess near misses don't count.
   'Nuff said.

So, I Was Wrong.....Again

   And not for the first time, or the last. Back on June 22, I blogged about the flooding in southern Alberta (see: "What A Horrible Mess), and thought at that time what's billed as "The Greatest Outdoor Show On Earth", or the Calgary Stampede, could not go ahead. I'm glad I was wrong. Officials have said they have an army of volunteers working to clean up the grounds, and also say the Saddledome will be ready for concerts when the 10 day party starts July 5th.
   One official went so far as to say that 2 World Wars and the Great Depression didn't cancel the show, and a little water won't either. In fact, the phrase "Hell or High Water" was used to let us know the Stampede will go ahead.
   And now that catchphrase is being used as a fundraiser, with officials selling t-shirts:

   They've already pre-sold 10 thousand of them, and raised 100 thousand dollars. And at $19.95, I'm sure they'll sell out almost as quickly as they can get them printed. So, if you're thinking of taking in the Stampede (one million people a year do), spend, spend, spend. And buy an OFFICIAL "Hell or High Water" T-shirt or 3. I'll be buying  a few on-line. Just to help out.
   'Nuff said.

Are You Ready For Some Football?

   12 year old Maddy Blythe was. Until she got punted from the team, and had her dreams of earning a college football scholarship dashed. At least for now. Why? Was Maddy not a good player? No. Did she not show up for practice? No. Maddy was ushered out of the locker room because she's a girl. I guess I should point out the team she got cut from was all boys. Oh, yeah It was also at the Strong Rock Christian School in Georgia. Go figure.
   It seems the CEO started spouting from the Big Book Of Thou Shalt Not (the bible), and the boys having "lustful" thoughts about her. Cough (bullshit), cough. Seems our CEO also stated men and women are created equal.....but different. No shit! El Douchebag also went on to say "girls play girls sports, boys play boys sports". Whatever the fuck that means.
   Apparently the coach isn't so old fashioned, and actually tried to keep her on the team, but to no avail. Maddy's mom, a former cop, has started a facebook page called "Let Her Play". But I seriously doubt the sanctimonious, self righteous son of a bitch CEO is going to bend. Hell, I don't even think he's capable of getting his head out of the sand.
   Thanks religion, for fucking up someone's life again.
   'Nuff said.

You Could Almost See This Coming

   Outside a shoe store in Atlanta, as people waited in line to get one of 22 pair of $180 dollar special LeBron James running shoes, a man was shot and killed. Did he cut in line? No. Did he try and rob someone who just bought a pair? No. Then why was he shot? Well, it seems the man was going up and down the line trying to pick-pocket patrons as they waited for the doors to open.
   Someone in line (claiming self defense) pulled a gun and shot the guy, then got back in line to wait the 5 hours until the store opened. And there were 50 people in line for those 22 pairs of shoes, by the way. Cops got there, and also determined (at least for now) the shooter was acting in self defense.
   Now, I've got a few questions about this. First: If the crook was walking up and down the line, why didn't someone call the cops and have him busted? Or possibly even grab the guy and hold him till they arrived? Was the perp armed? What I saw didn't say. Second: Who takes a friggin' gun to  shoe store at 5:30 in the morning? Third: Who really needs to spend 180 bucks on a running shoe to begin with? I know, James is a HUGE star in the NBA, but really? The last question kinda answers itself. Why didn't they make the shooter go to the back of the line (A: Cause he had a gun). I just hope the guy was #24 in line.
   'Nuff said.

They're Baaaack!!!

   Twinkies are returning to store shelves, and they'll still be made by Hostess. You'll know Hostess went bust after an acrimonious fight with the union, and went into receivership, eventually being sold. Well, they're back under a new management scheme and a leaner operation. Meaning the Twinkie will be back on store shelves in an even wider market July 15th.
   Also returning from the dead are CupCakes and Donettes. You'll no doubt remember the rush people were in to stock up on the crème filled cakes, going as far as buying them on e-bay at hyper-inflated prices.
   The new plan sees Hostess ship to distributors, rather than directly to stores, meaning a much broader reach, and the number of bakeries has been cut from 11 to 4. As for the cost.....apparently it'll be $3.99 for a 10 pack, same as before. And I doubt the new owners are going to start fucking with the recipe. Remember "new" coke?
   So, waistlines of America, you can expand again starting July 15th! Viva Twinkie!
   'Nuff said.

What A Horrible Mess

   You've probably seen the images from Alberta, Canada which is now under a lot of water. Torrential rain, plus a melting snow-pack in the mountains has turned into massive flooding in several areas, and at least 3 deaths.
   One of the hardest hit locations is Calgary, Alberta. The downtown core is a ghost, at least 75 thousand people have been evacuated, the zoo is inundated, the Calgary Stampede grounds are under water, the Saddledome was flooded, as are several neighborhoods in the city.
   If you've seen the pictures, the devastation is widespread. I saw one of the Ghost Lake dam, west of the city. I used to live in Calgary, and went fishing on Ghost Lake, and have never seen water pouring over it to that extent.
   And Calgary isn't alone. The mountain resort of Canmore also saw flooding, as did the Calgary bedroom communities of Okotoks, Bragg Creek, Black Diamond-Turner Valley and High River, where the picture above was shot of a man trying to save his cat. Fortunately, both made it.
   And even when the waters recede in the Calgary area, parts of the province downstream are now getting ready to evacuate. That includes Medicine Hat, which is on the South Saskatchewan River. From there, the river heads to Saskatoon, Saskatchewan, which could also see flooding, and north to Prince Albert.
   Even after all the years away from there, I still have friends in Calgary. They're lucky. They were high enough to avoid major flooding. I hope. 13 hundred troops have been brought in to help with security, and both governments will be doing what they can. But recovery is going to take years, and lots of dollars.
   One of Calgary's biggest tourist draws, the Stampede, is slated to go in a few weeks, but looking at the pictures of the Stampede grounds, I'm not so sure. Officials also had to evacuate animals from another popular destination, the Zoo.
   To all in the affected areas, I hope you stay safe. I'm sure the city and all affected areas will recover.
   'Nuff said

It's A Spoon!

   And it seems a little plastic utensil has the language Nazi's in Quebec in quite a tizzy, even if the language watchdog insist they haven't banned a plastic spoon. That's right folks, a fucking plastic spoon! But not just ANY spoon. No. This one is a yogurt spoon with just 2 words on it: "Sweet Moosic".
   And there was no deluge of complaints against the American frozen yogurt company. Not 100. Not 10. apparently, just one. Yup! Some asshole didn't like 2 little English words and whined to the official language office. Yes, there is one making sure French printing comes first, and is bigger that the same in English.
   It seems some little Hitler from that office is investigating "spoon-gate", but has yet to render a decision on banning a fucking plastic spoon or not.
   And if the Quebecers are pissed about 2 English words, I have a couple in French for them: Baisez-vous!
   'Nufff said

How To Get Rid Of Religious Doorbell Ringers

   Back at the end of May (the 29th to be exact), I blogged about a woman who was bothered by the incessant ringing of her doorbell, caused by a nest of ants. At that time, I indicated that the majority of the time when my doorbell rings it's either a politician looking for support or some religion looking for a convert.
   And while I have yet to come up with an effective way to get rid of the politicians, I did come up with a couple of ways of getting rid of religious people. One was deliberate, the other a happy set of circumstances.
   The 2 main religious groups that used to like ringing my bell are the Mormons, and Jehovah's Witnesses. And you can always tell when they're coming, cause they visit every single house on the street. And they all have that glazed over, almost "cultish" look in their eyes.
   Anyway, I was sitting down watching T.V quite a while ago, and didn't notice the area was being worked by Mormons. So, when the doorbell went off, I answered it, and wished right away I hadn't. Because standing there, with that glazed look in their eyes, were 2 people who cheerfully blurted out "Hi! We're from the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints." To which I blurted out; "Hi! I'm from the First Church of Satan! Now get the hell out if here", before slamming the door in their faces.
   The Witnesses was a happy circumstance. I was helping my wife with some baking, and she needed me to open a bottle of red food coloring. Which wouldn't open. To my wife's great glee. The harder I tried, the more she started laughing. Until the top of the fucking thing flew off, splashing red food dye all over the place. Me included. Just as I was starting to wipe up the mess, and with my wife now only able to gasp "Ahh..ahh..ahh" every few seconds, the doorbell went off.
   Now, aside from being stained with the dye, I was also pissed off by the mess, and my bride's reaction to it. So, when the door flew open, and the people started introducing themselves as Witnesses (and with me still dripping red, and my wife gasping, and only able to screech "Ahh" sporadically), something snapped, and I screamed at the poor unfortunates "you've ruined the ritual" before slamming the door in their faces.
   I'm just surprised the cops didn't show up to find out what the fuck was going on.
   But neither group has ever been back!
   'Nuff said.

She Popped..UPDATE

   Kim Kardashian had her kid. She popped it out Saturday morning, after "feeling unwell" Friday night. At least KK won't be bringing the brat on her "reality" show. And apparently daddy Kanye WAS at her side when she dropped it, contrary to rumours he wouldn't be.
   Still no word on the kids name, but in keeping with the tradition on planet Kardash of naming girls with a "K", I'm thinking Kookie or something equally stupid. And there's no word if she ate her own placenta, like she said she was going to do. (See my blog of June 11.)
   The unfortunate thing is, we're not through hearing about their spawn just yet. We'll have to wait for the obligatory "baby picture" to be "leaked" (ie: sold) to a tabloid. I wonder if the kids got webbed hands and feet. Maybe an antenna. Still, I don't think I'll be looking for it when it comes out. The quicker they all fade away, the better.
   'Nuff said.

   *****UPDATE: Well, not for the first time, I was wrong about K and K naming their brat. In fact, the kids name won't start with a "K" (goodbye tradition from planet Kardash). In fact, the little bugger's name will be: North West! Well, it could be worse. Something like "Blanket" or "Pilot Inspektor". Anyway, I still hope they all fade away quickly.

How Much Would You Pay

   We all know that monthly parking bill is one son of a bitch. In Canada, the average rate was 240 bucks a month. Which ain't bad when you consider folks in Calgary, Alberta are paying an average of 440 a month. New Yorkers would love those rates, because in the Big Apple can and do pay up to 560 bucks a month. So, wouldn't it be nice if you could outright buy a stall?
   That's what a couple of people in the States did recently. Someone in San Francisco forked over 82 thousand for a 12 by 8 stall. Which is nothing compared to what a woman in Boston spent for 2 stalls. They were bought at an auction for more than 500 thousand dollars! The median price of a house in Massachusetts is 310 grand.
   I guess I'd better not gripe about paying 190 bucks a month for a reserved stall. With a plug in for winter.
   'Nuff said.

The T-Rex Is Extinct. Again

   It is a sad day, because 65 million years after the mighty Tyrannosaurs Rex died out, he's been killed again.
   The T-Rex I'm talking about didn't wander around on 2 legs looking to kill something. This one just sorta sat on a tray, waiting to kill someone. It seems a Wendy's outlet in Brandon, Manitoba is no longer selling the T-Rex burger. This meaty dinosaur consisted of 9 1/4 pound patties, glued together with 9 pieces of processed cheese in a bun. That's 2 POUNDS of burger, all told. A spokesperson for the restaurant in question says they don't condone or promote consuming 2 pounds of meat on one sitting, The question I have is simply: Why the fuck were you selling it in the first place then? Because they were apparently selling them until Wednesday night.
   The thing had 3 thousand calories, 6 thousand grams of salt and 200 grams of fat! And the best part was the burger cost $21.99. I wonder if that was in a combo?
   'Nuff said.

Oh, Shit. I Think I'm Gonna Puke

   And there are a couple of reasons my stomach contents are about to be violently projected outward in a power retch.
   Not the least of which is a new "sandwich" from Krispy Kreme. No, it's not some killer new donut burger monstrosity, although it does contain ground beef. It's a Krispy Kreme Sloppy Joe. And as you have likely already figured out, it's a glazed donut, stuffed with sloppy joe, smothered in tomato sauce and sprinkled with cheese.
   Easy stomach, don't roll over now.
   It's the brain child (or brain fart) of the same guy that brought us deep fried Kool-Aid, deep fried bacon wrapped pickle and cookie dough bites. I'm surprised he hasn't figured out a way to deep fry the Krispy Joe.
   Still hanging on to your lunch? Maybe this will change things:

   Yup, she's back. And willing to share a yucky surprise with us all. Kimmy K, as you are probably sick of hearing, is preggers with Kanye West's spawn. Now she says (and thanks for sharing Kim) that after she drops the kid, she's going to eat her own placenta. I know cows, deer and other animals on earth do, so I guess it's some kind of ritual on the planet Kardash too.
   There's been no word if it'll be raw, stir fried or stuck in a fucking Krispy Kreme donut, but that's one thing I hope does NOT make it into her "reality" show. Other "celebrities" have done the same, but they at least had the decency to have it freeze dried, ground up and put into capsules first.
   I mean, just the thought of this is making my bile rise right now. A Krispy Kreme Sloppy Joe???
   Oh, yeah. That other thing too.
   Now if you'll excuse me, I have to make a very long call on the porcelain telephone to someone named "Ralf".
   'Nuff said

Hope They Never Reproduce

   And I say that after watching a video of 5 or 6 guys trying to pull a limb from a rather large tree somewhere in the States. And no, they're not simply using bare hands and a rope. Nor are they using a honking big 4x4 pick-up. They're using a front wheel drive, 1980 or 90 vintage Buick! A fucking Buick for shit sake!
   These rocket scientists have attached a chain to the rear of the car, and the limb of a very tall tree, and are using the car to try and bring it down. With the predictable result. First, they start off fairly gently in one direction.....several times.....only to have the ass end of the Buick lift off the ground, the tree bend a little, but the limb stays solid.
   I lost count exactly how many time these geniuses tried, before they switched to the other direction, and gave her the gas! With exactly the same result, only a more violent lift of the rear end of the car. They give 'er one more go.....and the chain snaps.
   Now, I'm not exactly a rocket scientist myself, but you don't have to be too dumb to realize it ain't gonna work. The easy (but admittedly less fun) way to do it is borrow a ladder and a chain saw and hack the limb off.
   And for the record, if I see an ad for a "slightly used" 1980 to 90 Buick with front and rear end damage, I'm not buying.
   'Nuff said.

Hope The Authorities Had Some "Hard" Evidence

   Ahh, the little blue pill. The saviour of quite a few nights for men suffering erectile dysfunction. And it could have been quite a money maker for a couple of guys in Montreal recently. It seems they were bringing in hundreds of thousands of contraband, made in China pills, and selling them across Canada. (On a semi-related note, see my blog of May 7, 2012 "Soylent Green, Now Available In Easy To Swallow Capsules".)
   Apparently after bringing them here, they were selling them through sex shops and on the internet, including 12 businesses in 5 provinces one of the suspects allegedly owns.
   Now, coming from China, (and no offence meant) you almost have to wonder if the pills were any good. And, just exactly what was in them? I mean if they were the real deal, then the poor victim's of the scam don't need to worry. And if they didn't work, is anyone going to go back and complain about a still limp dick?
   Whatever the outcome, I hope these 2 (if guilty) face some stiff time!
   'Nuff said.

Monday Musings

   Couple of things on the Ratbag radar today. First, actor Michael Douglas (he was in Basic Instinct among others). You may or may not know he's been aggressively  battling throat cancer for the past while. And now, it seems, he's decided to let us all know how he thinks he got it. According to Mike, it's from performing oral sex on women! Yup! Mike goes on to say he believes he picked up a form of human papilloma virus that morphed into his cancer doing it. I bet Catherine Zeta-Jones was thrilled beyond belief to hear that. And while it could be true, the Ratbag bullshit meter is hovering near the red on that statement. Like years of smoking and drinking didn't play a role.
   Moving on (mercifully). There's a new fad growing among calorie counting drinkers who like to binge, but not add to their waistlines. It's called "smoking alcohol", and consists of pouring some of your favorite booze in a container and vaporizing it either with dry ice, or pressurizing it with a bicycle pump, then letting the pressure out, which forms the vapor. Which is then inhaled. I sense several Darwin's in the making with this one. Doctors warn about the risks, not the least of which is pumping raw, vaporized alcohol almost directly into your bloodstream and brain, without the liver processing some of it. The big worry is alcohol poisoning. Normally when you've had way too much to drink, the stomach sends a message to the brain basically telling you to puke up before it's too late. Bypass the stomach, and that built in defense mechanism can't trigger. Plus, who the hell wants to waste 50 bucks on a bottle of 18 year old rye when you can't taste it?
   'Nuff said.